why is web dev forever difficult? for dummies version na nga ung gamit dito eh...

i absolutely suck in color coordinating.

hell = 11 more pages to go on the term paper, upcoming histo2 exam (which is probably the easiest requirement of the week), and the added pressure to get an 81% in math17, all while in a sleep-deprived, caffiene-induced, zombie-like stupor

please don't think i'm too acad-oriented for my own good. it's all a healthy relationship with UPM...

but hey, that's the life i signed up for. at least the sem break is but 2 weeks away, 1 if i can slip by the watchful eyes of nanggan and pass through the gate of exemption.

i can just imagine it now...

waking up at 9 am (which is very late by my standards)
spending every waking minute in front of the PS2, or the tv, or the dinner plate
freedom to visit any mall, watch movies, be with friends, etc without the guilt of having upcoming requirements
gaining weight but in a good way (haha)
sleeping at least 10 hours a day

this is the life...

or this will be the life...

or this will NOT be the life unless i get through the last week of sem alive and with my target GWA

guess the best thing to do is to actually focus on my studies. which i am not doing by making this entry. which means this entry must end.

what a night.

my crazed illusion of being able to finish my term paper this saturday night has led me here, now, and yet unable to achieve that which has so long eluded me: the rhythmic tapping of my fingers typing the last words of my draft, the quick and fluid motion of my left pinky and forefinger, activating the immortal alt+s combo, and the bated breath turning into a sigh of relief.

as the midnight comes and goes, a tiny spark in the bonfires of time, i am still here. forever positioned in front of the pc, staring blindly yet madly at the haphazardly arranged pieces of information, opinion, and mindless prattle i call my term paper. at least tonight was not as big a waste as last night was. not that chatting and catching up was a waste, just not conducive to my "creative process".

i'm not really a night person; IPC can attest to that. but recently, the darkness has beckoned to me, and i accepted. the only time i can endure my torture in silence. the darkness has become my friend, comforting me [with the promise of finishing], concealing me [and my desperation], providing [time] for me. and at the same time, my greatest enemy, poisoning me [with fatigue], tempting me [to sleep], punishing me [with the morning]. a dysfunctional relationship if i ever saw one.

i haven't had a caffeine fix tonight. there is a God, who let me stay mindful this long.

before weariness and slumber overtake me, i use all my remaining bits of consciousness to offer this prayer:

may my weary body and mind rest peacefully, preparing me for the strain tomorrow will bring. may my sleep be uninterrupted and blissful, calm and rejuvenating. or even better, may my thoughts and dreams be haunted by inventions and commercialization, that i may wake in the morn filled with the inspiration to fill the remaining pages, and the drive to finish before another midnight comes rolling along.

good morning world. rest in peace.

call me a hypocrite. i don't care.

i guess my prayer petition early this morning was of no avail. my will vowed to finish early, but my mind said otherwise. the twelfth stroke has passed, and my stance remains the same, watching over the electronic fortress that is my pc. however, if you can see me right now, my countenance might seem a bit different. lighter. unburdened. maybe with the tiniest hint of a smile. a tired smile. an impish, mischievous smile.

i show signs of life again because true to my word, the last moments of my agony were truly a magical high. in a fleeting moment, all the troubles of the world just melted away, together with the closing screen on the monitor. a euphoria like no other, one that i have felt countless times. and one i wish would never go away. the feeling of satisfaction. the satisfaction of completing a hard night's work.

too bad the feeling leaves too quickly. and like an addiction, i crave for my next high, for which i must suffer another extended period of pain. are the rewards really worth the risk and abuse?

again, i am caffeine-free tonight. soon, i will offer virgin sacrifices to this God in recognition of his all-mighty benevolence. in His power He has willed me with strength to endure my late-night labor one last time. but who is this God, really? might it be my own self-determination, my passion for my paper, my craving for completion? maybe so. i will await those virgin sacrifices.

as i savor my proverbial sigh of relief, the next breath draws in the tensions and foreboding of the upcoming histo 2 exam. be wary of another midnight update coming too soon. way too soon. wallow in my self-pity.

God bless my soul.

i've forgotten how stressless feels like...

this is my second night of relaxation in a week. if you could call it relaxation. last night was spent watching tv and forcing myself to study for math (which was futile, by the way). this night went by chatting, web surfing, and researching for PE ( ).

i think i should really be taking advantage of this time in a different, more (un)productive way. blessings like this are so rare, with finals coming up and all. resting time should be used for just that: rest. even with all this free time, my sleeping schedule still stays at half past 12. i've practically mastered the art of staying up and sleeping less. a skill which now i should start unlearning. i also get my sleep back in weird ways. 40 minutes in the fx en route to UPM. 20 minutes on the mrt back. 1 hour before dinnertime. where can i get my internal clock repaired?

i developed a hacking cough over the weekend. the doctor says its bacteria in my throat. my dad says its sleeplessness and pollution. knowing him, it's just his excuse to not buy me medicine. so right now, i'm stuck with home remedies. warm saline gargles make my tongue all tingly. but he's not entirely wrong. i'd be a whole lot healthier without the fatigue and the jeepney exhaust.

people say that what we're experiencing right now is nothing. just a primer. we shouldn't whine about the 'hard times' we're having now. wait for the 2nd, 3rd sem, med proper, they say. then we'll wish we were back in the 1st. well, i say: to hell with it. at least for now. i've felt the worst i have my whole life in the past 4 months. just allow me to feel satisfied with my break right now. i don't need to feel guilty, knowing that the 1st sem was already the 'break', but i still complained about it. it makes everything i've gone through less of a big deal.

i don't mind eating my words later on, but the present is now. all i know is my past, and based on that, the present is the worst. i don't know anything about what's to come. if it's worse, then it's worse. i don't care. just give me my present. (does anyone get anything i said here? no one? same here.)

i'm just at the oasis. i'm preparing for the treacherous journey ahead. just a little more. until i get to paradise.

this is a break, after all.