call me a hypocrite. i don't care.

i guess my prayer petition early this morning was of no avail. my will vowed to finish early, but my mind said otherwise. the twelfth stroke has passed, and my stance remains the same, watching over the electronic fortress that is my pc. however, if you can see me right now, my countenance might seem a bit different. lighter. unburdened. maybe with the tiniest hint of a smile. a tired smile. an impish, mischievous smile.

i show signs of life again because true to my word, the last moments of my agony were truly a magical high. in a fleeting moment, all the troubles of the world just melted away, together with the closing screen on the monitor. a euphoria like no other, one that i have felt countless times. and one i wish would never go away. the feeling of satisfaction. the satisfaction of completing a hard night's work.

too bad the feeling leaves too quickly. and like an addiction, i crave for my next high, for which i must suffer another extended period of pain. are the rewards really worth the risk and abuse?

again, i am caffeine-free tonight. soon, i will offer virgin sacrifices to this God in recognition of his all-mighty benevolence. in His power He has willed me with strength to endure my late-night labor one last time. but who is this God, really? might it be my own self-determination, my passion for my paper, my craving for completion? maybe so. i will await those virgin sacrifices.

as i savor my proverbial sigh of relief, the next breath draws in the tensions and foreboding of the upcoming histo 2 exam. be wary of another midnight update coming too soon. way too soon. wallow in my self-pity.

God bless my soul.