today was a day which kept on giving.

but much like actual presents, you never know when you'll get sucky ones. i hope this first day isn't a foreshadowing of the month to come. i'd like to enjoy my sem break please.

the disaster actually started early today. way early today. as the clock struck twelve, i lay awake in bed. the tv was off. the pc was far far away. the street noise was gone. the night was peaceful and calm. and yet, slumber eludes me still. i actually prepped for sleep around 11, and tucked myself in around 1130. but 30 minutes of coughing, rolling around, and general fidgeting taught me that this was going nowhere. so i turned the tv on, set it to sleep in 30, and curled up with my back to the lights and sounds. not foolproof, but generally effective.

skip to 530. i awake to the sounds of my yaya waking me up from downstairs. a bit later than my usual 5 at fridays, but an arrangement held, and my schedule complied. arrived in upm 8 sharp, to find out my pe class was suspended. and my dear friend who agreed to come at 8 figured she'd arrive 30 minutes later. we made plans. i could have slept 30 minutes longer.

across taft to mcdo. i love this part. ordered the letter B with a milo. pancakes, for the not-so-fastfood-fanatic. headed upstairs, devoured the first one with gusto, then proceeded to switch the empty styro with the other one. guess who knocked his drink over. and who was wearing dirty white today. and who had the smart idea of bringing his fishnet-sided knapsack to school. yep, you guessed right.

back to beloved paz. upon settling in front of the pc for free internet fun, i find that i have made two new enemies. not real enemies, but as close as i can get. one, for me bashing her on the forums. the other, for my "sabotaging" his study time last night with the temptations of the novel which he borrowed from me. he has now declared a state of insurgency between the intellectual classes of the batch. funny, but true. guess i deserved that one.

go forward many many hours later. i get a 2.25 in histo 2, while my we-agreed-at-8-but-you-come-at-830-i-could-have-slept-longer friend gets a 1 for having the same raw score and participation in one hotel gig. i knew i should have joined that. and on my way to get my term paper, the strap of my sandal broke. at least it's an excuse to buy a new one.

but again, life isn't all downs, its ups too. that was our last histo 2 class. and i was able to sneak out to have some exams photocopied. lots of people signed up for tabulas, which means i have more to do online later during the break (hoping they update frequently). and the sweetest treat of today: i was the last one to get my draft back this afternoon. returned with as much blank pages as the fingers on both hands. blank pages meaning pages with little or grammatical errors, we all know that. knowing it was too good to be true, in hindsight, i should have barraged my prof with pleas of assurance, that those were my only mistakes. but why would i want to find out that my draft deserved more pencil markings than that? the three nights sacrificed for this cause can now rest in peace. few such nights will follow, thankfully.

but now, the karma has set back in. my mind and body are tired, yet philo requires my full attention. and i must get up early tomorrow as well, to return books to upd. and the whole of sunday will be devoted to math, seeing as the exam was moved from 6pm to 10am monday. and the pseudo-asthma just won't say goodbye.

my writing's not so deep today. damn.

we've all dreamt it, haven't we?

i mean, what free-spirited, rebellious, i-feel-that-i'm-being-strangled-by-my-parents adolescent in their right mind hasn't thought about it? upon reaching the legal age, giving the cry of independence.

twinges of anticipation, cerebral cramps during the exam, wary of the watchful eye of the examiner during the practical, being rewarded with the single most important piece of laminated card in your adult life.

leaning back, hands on 10:00 and 2:00, feet shifting from one pedal to the other, fingers lightly gripping the clutch and signalling lever, stepping down on the gas, speeding away.

cruising down the highway, the wind in your hair, going from zero to sixty, winking at cute pedestrians, honking the horn, exuding maturity and liberation.

driving is a big deal. i can't wait for the day when i become free from my dad's iron grip over my life, social and all. i probably won't be driving in a convertible with the wind-hair scenario (too bad, my hair is probably ideal for this), but i can just see it. driving around the village, going to the mall at my leisure (but not at my expense), late night outs with my friends, possibly even going on out-of-the-city outings. too bad one thing will probably shatter all these: my actual driving skills.

case example: this morning. i told my dad i needed to return some books in upd before my exam in the afternoon. he offers me the wheel. i gladly accept. driving in diliman is such a dream. the clean environment, the fresh air, the light drizzle that morning, the open roads, the feel of the engine under my control, the perfect balance of clutch and gas, turning left towards the library, horns blowing behind me, my dad shouting in my ear, a random biker speeding by, cursing me through the window, me wishing i could just hide my head under the seat. i almost hit him. too close (too bad). but everyone's all right, save my ego.

it was early. i just woke up. the biker went by so fast. i had the right of way. i have a ton of excuses. but i have the best of all.

i'd really like to blame my dad on this one. not that he had anything directly to do with the "accident". but he could have taught me a lot better than that. it's just that his teaching style consists of him giving the basics, then giving me the car, then shouting and stressing out, then telling me that when he was my age, he was much better, much more eager to learn, much more everything else. sure. i've become immune to it now, all i hear is the important stuff. all i remember from his rampage this morning was "malapit ka nang kumuha ng lisensya mo. hindi ka pa handa para sa driving exam." harsh, but true. i'll get working on that.

it's not that i don't try, i just don't try enough. i need more practice. but with a steady input of requirements, and the upcoming killer schedule, it'll be tough finding more time. i know i want this badly. the old toyota is sitting there, waiting for me. i'll get much better before the license exam. i'll practice more, i swear i will. but without the yelling, if at all possible.

my way, or the highway.

it's over. it's all over.

the semester, that is. the first 4 months of college have passed me by, leaving me here. leaving me with new friends, with newfound knowledge, and richer in experience. and now the sem break welcomes me with open arms, and i am ready to embrace it. all tests are finished, all requirements are passed, with the few exemptions of the final term paper, fitness program, and probable math exam (okay, not so few). but regardless of the few impediments remaining, the spirit of the break already burns inside of me, and i am all ready to dive into the 3 weeks of r&r before my next session of hell a.k.a. second sem.

as the previous week was the last class week of the semester, it was a week full of goodbyes, farewells, and till-we-meet-agains. to each course, a different method of ending. to each prof, a different way to say goodbye.

histo 1 was technically over last week: our 2nd (and last) exam was the other thursday, and all we did for the last 2 meetings was to watch batas militar, which unfortunately, i didn't pay much attention to. our prof just popped in for 30 seconds before we started last monday for a few inspirational words about being good doctors, and class card issues. nothing too personal, but maybe just as it should be.

comm hasn't ended yet, and will probably never end. my paper is still under construction. similar to research in 4th year, i will probably be plagued with the need to update my term paper. i've heard that if something is still disagreeable with the paper, even after final submission, maam panch will still seek out the author and demand revisions. hoping that doesn't happen to me. my last "meeting" will be on thursday, with the submission of the final version. not expecting any long goodbyes here.

philo was just a pain. the last 2 meetings were hurried discussions on ethics, and the finals were last saturday. can't say i particularly enjoyed any of these. nor can i say that i will miss my prof. i'm pretty sure she doesn't even know me by name until now. only as ginoo #1. just as well. good riddance.

histo 2 might have been better if i scored higher in the exam, if i joined in any presentations, and if my prof was even aware of my existence. lots of my classmates received notes in red ballpen inscribed in their blue books. as expected, i got none. based on what i've read, they mostly consisted of my prof saying that these people get 1.0 in their class card, and any additional credit they might have gotten but was not utilized could just be passed on to pi 100 during the summer. now, nearly the whole class wants to petition that we get the same prof for rizal studies. this might not be the last of him. i say no. but who listens to me anyway? no one knows i'm alive.

math was probably the only subject which knows how to say goodbye. the 5th dep was held yesterday, and maybe as a parting gift, the exam was relatively easier than others. i just might be able to snatch exemption. but the bad thing is, i might be pressured (by my conscience) to take the finals anyway, since nearly all my classmates, regardless of exemption, plan on taking the finals, because it's been said that the exams were easy and just a way of bringing grades up. and as an added treat, our prof sang to us just minutes before the exam. our own private performance. surprisingly, i really enjoyed it, and i will probably treasure that moment. "it doesn't get any worse than this, the best is yet to come."

with the air clearing up, most of the requirements over with, i've gotten to thinking about what transpired over the last 4 months. there are some of things i wish i could have done better. there are some things i know i could have done better. there are some things i wish i had never done at all. but it's all over, and all i have left is a choice to make. to regret what has happened to me over the sem, to cry over spilt milk, looking back with remorse and loathing, to live with the thought of what could have been. or to treasure everything that has come to pass, never forgetting the lessons and teachers, to look to the future, treating this as a stepping stone getting me closer to my goals.

i choose the latter. i may not have gone through the sem to the best of my abilities, but this will serve as a lesson for me, to strive harder if i want more out of myself. everything i've been through has enriched me as a person in ways i have never dreamed of. the people, the friends, the teachers, the lessons in and out of the classroom, the experiences, the memories, the times.

they will be sorely missed.

this certainly qualifies as babble.

every morning for the past 5 days, i've woken to the sounds of some josh groban-michael bublé caliber singer whose heavy, soothing voice has wafted through my bedroom window from the stereo downstairs. my dad has taken to the habit of playing the same cd, unbearably loud, i might add, over and over in the early hours of the day. the songs weren't bad. the singer was good. the tedium and boredom of listening to the same songs over and over again gets annoying. and he tells me to lower the volume of my tv at night. i hate hypocrites.

my dad hired the carpenter/mason/all-around construction guy he regularly hires. and now his task consists of clearing our backyard of 2 of the 4 coconut trees currently standing. and in less than 2 days, he has managed to singlehandedly clear out both of them. i am awestruck. but the difficult task of clearing out the stumps remains, as the roots are too deeply (rooted) into the soil. too bad about the trees. not that i like coconuts much, but too bad. my dad says he might replace them with different fruit trees. avocado... *drools*

i finished my term paper today. after searching for hours (okay, maybe more like 30 minutes) for usable periodicals online, i finally gave up and settled with the excuse which my professor handed to me on a silver platter: the fact that i have no periodicals, or no significant articles could be found, is because of the lack of attention towards my topic. to think she provided it. and it did come in handy. credits to her. however, i spent the better part of my afternoon (from 2:30-6:30) making my notecards. cutting, clipping, gluing, writing, arranging. at least it's over now. just hope i can at least scrape a 1.5 on my class card for comm 2. God knows i put enough effort into it.

my scanner isn't working. i can't upload more baby pictures. the whole world is missing out.

my cousin came over last sunday. and he lent me 3 games for the ps2. none of them work on my console. and neither does the star ocean 3 i just bought. my unit is really picky with the dvds it plays. i really hope nothing is seriously wrong with my ps2 (though chances are there is), because i would hate to ask my dad to have it fixed, but i would hate it more not having it around. who wants to buy a brand-new star ocean 3 game? pirated, of course. and for the 2 discs, only P200. that's a steal.

i really want to buy some donuts. dunkin' has that promo, a dozen honey-dipped for P120. i just feel like pigging out on 1 box. i hope i get to buy some soon. thankfully, i don't count calories. but i might soon have to. i think i'm getting a little more pregnant each week. i might even exercise during the break. hah!

nothing left to say.

it's great to have nothing on your mind.

and just to get these out of my system: i got a 1.25 in histo 2. i passed my term paper. i finished my pe exercise program. i got an 88% in math. histo 2 will probably be my highest grade this sem, surprisingly. and i'm quite disappointed in my math score. sure, i got exempted. but in the class, my score is already in the lower score bracket. and i didn't get a 95% for a 1.75. looks like i'm taking the finals. my pc is hanging constantly, and viruses have suddenly sprung up from out of nowhere. it's probably because our antivirus was recently updated, because of the scanner thing. hope it gets fixed soon.

there. all finished. even with the math finals a week away, i think it's the wiser choice not to stress over it this soon. i'll have plenty of time next week. nothing left to do but nothing, "nothing" being lying down on my bed, snuggling in my blanket, cuddling my pillow, watching nothing in particular. nothing could possibly make this night any better, except a light rain. the nights are getting cooler now. a sign of the approaching holidays? i sure hope so.

i used to take nights like these for granted. during the happier high school days (acad- and stress-wise), nights like these were a dime a dozen. of course, there were stressful times too, but never saturated in such a small period of time. i would probably spent nights like these in front of the tv, or the pc, on the phone, or some other "something". and the night would just pass me by. the value of relaxation was never instilled in me, probably because i never needed to value it before.

which makes me all the happier about my intarmed life. sleeping on the edge, skipping from one requirement to the other, long days and stressful nights, everything has prevented me from getting much needed rest. being blessed with something like this, so common before but such a treat today, is a real wake-up call. i've learned to take advantage of these rare occasions, to treasure the times when my mind is inactive, to savor every moment of relaxation i can scrape from the sides. i never know when i might get another one.

moments like these make it all worthwhile.

the cutest thing happened to me.

on my way home from upm the other day, while waiting for the jeep to fill up, the last 3 passengers entered, among them was a child. probably around 5-6 years old, male, well-rounded, not too light or dark, adorable. he sat down beside me, while his companions sat on the opposite bench. i smiled at him, and i think he gave a semblance of a smile back. during the short ride, he snuggled up in my shoulder, he sneezed on my arm, all while holding on to my knee for support. as they got up to leave, i helped prop him up, then waved goodbye as he was descending from the vehicle. he waved back.

i love children. not in that sick, pedophiliac way of course (abslolutely ) but more of a brotherly-fatherly way. i mean, who can't help but love children? their innocent stares, the carefree smiles, the hearty laughs, their endearing looks, the lovable faces. everything about children makes me go into a sappy, cute-crazed mode. i can't help but smile when i hear babies laughing, and i feel cringes of delight when i see them grinning. is there anything else in the world?

i remember fawning over my teachers' children during high school. whenever they'd bring them over to class, the kids always find their way on my lap. and it's not just that i swoon over them, but children simply seem to take to me. i can melt the hearts of any bratty, snotty, prissy kid out there, and have them eating out of my hand. it's a mutual thing.

as an effect of my severe infatuation with children, i can hardly wait to have my own. of course, i'd wait for the right person, the right time, the right moment. but just the thought of having my own children to raise, to nurture, to father is really inviting. i've also considered becoming a pediatrician. or at least partly one. working with kids would be so gratifying and soul-filling, not to mention entertaining, fun, and heartening.

dedicating my future to children just seems right. like there's nothing nobler i can do with my life. it's like tending a flower garden, toiling day and night, through rain or shine so that the helpless sprouts can grow and blossom, then admiring the results of my labor afterwards. our children will be our future, much like we our the future today. caring for the future seems like just the thing to do to make my mark in the world.

to see a child smiling back at me. the greatest reward in the world.
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it's been four days.

four days of the sem break, spent as expected. i wake up at 9 am. i spent the morning hours in front of the tv, or perched on my chair typing. afternoons passed by as i lounged around the house, taking naps at my leisure. the only hitches so far are that my ps2 refuses to cooperate with the game i'm playing with, and my attempts to sleep as early as 10:30 have all unintentionally extended to as early as 1:30. not my ideal paradise, but it had to do.

four days of the sem break passed by like a dream, and now reality has to bite back hard. who was i kidding? what sem break? as the new week started, so did the countdown of the days until the math finals, which i have (uncertainly) decided to take. i can back out at any time, but i desperately need a 1.75 to ensure that my scholarship stays. my choice now leads me to relive the moments and memories of the five dep exams, which were anything but enjoyable.

but like the good student that i am, i have obviously opted to forego studying for more pleasurable activities. who can resist watching the oc replay for the third time this week? or how about my shadow hearts dvd, beckoning me to insert it into the ps2 and enjoy another hour of flawless gameplay followed by incessant hangs and glitches?

i watched the first episode of the new ragnarok animé. i didn't fall prey to levelup and get addicted to the online rpg craze, but the animated version was unexpectedly amusing. you don't even need to play the game to understand the concept or the story, which were unsurprisingly generic. the viewing experience was only soiled by the scq1 finalists singing (or rather, dubbing and lipsing) the theme song. lucky for them, i'm a sucker for the fantasy genre.

and what of the new season of star circle quest? (i didn't watch the first. ) who am i to say that the auditions sucked? but after watching teens from baguio strut their stuff, singing out of key, and demonstrating mediocre to acceptable acting skills, i couldn't help but wish i was part of the cast. spending days in the studio rather than in the classroom, never having to worry about a math 17 finals for quite some time. i wonder, what would fame feel like? too bad i might never find out. my dad would probably disown me.

temptation lurks at every corner, and i am too weak of will to resist. i just say to myself, "there are 2 days left, let's pretend that that's enough to study." but how about tomorrow? and the day after that? 1 day left? no days left? i can't pretend that hard. if i want to have any chance of raising my gpa, i'd better get my act straight and soon. right now if possible. but highly unlikely. modules and sample exams had better not dare get between me and the fab 5 tonight.

queer eye for the straight guy, here i come.

if given the choice, would you go through hell and back again?

at least this time, there was a choice. slow and agonizing, or pressured and heated. i chose the former. answering the math exams for the second time around isn't exactly my choice of spending my break. unfortunately, i have deemed it to be the best possible way for me to study for the finals tomorrow, with less than optimum study time remaining for me. and let me say, if the exam was a take-home one, it wouldn't be any easier. tons of distractions and alternative activities have prevented me from reaching peak answering efficiency (i.e. quick and accurate).

of course, being math, the exams are anything but fun, even if for the second time around. cramming my brain with formulas and equations for not just one set of topics, but a whole sem's worth is really draining. and not only am i reliving the painful moments and memories of the original exam, but i am forced to look back at my answers and my scores, to find out how low my scores are and how much more i could have gotten, had carelessness not have gotten the better of me. i now cringe everytime i come to an answer i didn't get before, and realize how simple, how logical, how obvious those answers were. that added bit of pain just makes the experience a whole lot better.

i spent a better part of my morning yesterday texting one of my classmates, who has decided out of contentment and laziness to settle for her 2.0 in math. and along with requests to borrow the oc cds, she pestered me with the reason why i was going to take the exam anyway, even if i was exempted. now, here goes my explanation for her, for everyone else, and mainly for me.

as i look back at my exams, i now see that i could have done a lot better this sem. i may have not exerted enough effort, not given the attention the course needed, or maybe i really didn't know that much at all. but i know i can do better. and maybe the finals are just my way of proving that to myself. there's also the chance of really bringing up my class card grade. it may be too acad-conscious, but it's just a part of me. and i wouldn't want to regret giving up this chance, especially if the finals do turn out to be relatively easy, as said by another classmate. finally, i've already spent 2 days suffering for this cause. to waste all that? maybe. but regret would eat me up inside again.

2 sample exams to go.

sem break log: day 1

i have a new usericon. got it up after the server downtime was over. woohoo.

finally, the "real" sem break. no lingering thoughts, no hidden requirements hanging around in the background waiting to jump out, no remaining pangs of guilt and remorse. 3 weeks of liberation from academic bondage. 3 weeks of uninterrupted recreation and relaxation. 3 weeks. 3weeks.

sure, i know i've blabbed countless times about the sem break. maybe because it never seemed like it would come. everything over the past 2 weeks have seemed like an illusion. a fragile semblance of peace, waiting to be broken by an incoming task, academic or otherwise. and even now that the break has really come, it still seems unreal. i'm awaiting that crucial something that ruins it all. and brings me back to reality. it's a bad mentality, but it keeps me in touch with time and truth. i know it'll be over soon anyway. curse the second coming, and all forthcoming semesters as well.

another thought. the day of the math exam, my dad came home with a teeny-weeny eraser-sized device. turns out to be an mp3-fm tuner player. and now he says it's my christmas gift in advance. too bad i know that someone just gave it to him. oh well, it's the thought that counts. and i really can't complain about the gift either.

now i'm looking ahead to another holiday. christmas is in the air. and on our gates too. my dad insisted on putting up christmas lights, as the neighbors already have theirs set up. too bad i don't really receive presents anymore. at least the holiday spirit is here. rejoice in the birth of our Lord.

i totally sidetracked from my topic. anyway...

sem break log: day 2

i love today.

i woke up at 6:30 for a dentist appointment, then came home around 8. ate my breakfast, used the computer for around 30 minutes, then headed up to my room around 10. turned the tv on, browsed for a couple of minutes, then set it to the disney channel and went to sleep. woke up around 1.

this may be the first bit of unnecessary, leisurely sleep i have ever had in my life. the old me would have insisited on going on with the day since i had already woken up anyway. before, there was a policy of never wasting time. not anymore. and sleeping was never really a luxury for me, only as rest when my body was spent and as necessity during the night. it's a big thing for me. i'd like to congratulate myself.

i also spent the better part of the time i was awake listening to one of my favorite songs. i loved tapping my feet to the rhythm, mouthing the lyrics, getting intoxicated with the melody, relating with the message. i love my theme songs.

truly one of my better mornings.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

barely breathing
duncan sheik

i know what you're doing, see it all too clear
i only taste the saline when i kiss away your tears
you really had me going, wishing on a star
but the black holes that surround you are heavier by far

i believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
it must have been that yesterday was the day that i was born
there's not much to examine, nothing left to hide
you really can't be serious if you have to ask me why
i say goodbye

'cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting, fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the prize, it's worth the price
the price that i would pay

and everyone keeps asking what's it all about
i used to be so certain, and i can't figure out
what is this attraction? i only feel the pain
nothing left to reason and only you to blame
will it ever change?

'cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting, fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the prize, it's worth the price
the price that i would pay

but i'm thinking it over anyway
i'm thinking it over anyway

come to find, i may never know
changing mind, is it friend or foe?
i rise above or sink below
with everytime you come and go
please don't come and go

'cause i am barely breathing and i can't find the air
don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care
and i could stand here waiting, fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the prize, it's worth the price
the price that i would pay

but i'm thinking it over anyway
i'm thinking it over anyway

i know what you're doing, see it all too clear

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sem break log: day 3

my life is as boring as hell.

well, maybe not as boring. actually, i don't even want to think what hell is like. *babble babble* anyway, as it is, my life is boring. period. i sometimes wonder, "am i such a loser that i don't have any social life to speak of at all?" as i convince myself it isn't so, things fall back into place, the same as before. still as boring as something so boring.

before i let my sem break turn into a pattern of sleep, eat, tv, and pc (which isn't bad at all, just that i want to do as much as possible before classes start again), i've made a little list of things i want to achieve during the break, probably around half of which will be achieved at all:

1. learn basic web design and change the layout of this blog
2. read at least 3 novels
3. finish at least 1 rpg during the break
4. visit a mall and watch a movie at least once a week
5. finally learn to drive flawlessly
6. exercise or work out
7. learn to play an instrument
8. buy a gift and think of a song
9. get my hair cut

i'm also accepting suggestions of other productive things to do. things online, things to buy, anything. heck, it doesn't even have to be productive. can't be picky anyway.

as i read the list over and over, it dawns on me how much obstacles i have to get past in order to achieve these, and how futile most of these goals are. my computer skills are up to scratch. my ps2 is insufferably glitchy. i hardly have the financial resources to visit a mall, much less buy a book or a gift. i might as well rule out the new instrument part right away, as i'm sure it would take more than 3 weeks for me to learn one. driving requires my dad and the car, and exercising requires me to get tired.

i am hating my hair right now. not only is it getting long, itchy, and unmanageable, but i don't dare cut it because i have no idea on how i want it to look like. i have no artistic vision when it comes to my hair, i'm clueless as to what looks good or horrible on me. i can't use gel properly to save my life. just about the only thing i can do right is shampoo it. i know i sound pathetic, but that's the least of my worries.

well, ranting isn't getting me anywhere. if i want to achive any of these, guess i have to start now. time surely isn't running in.

if there's a will, there's a way. thank goodness for clichés.

sem break log: day 4

another day, another waste.

well, maybe not entirely. the last 24 hours have been the most productive times i've had since i passed my test paper in math last thursday. my life is finally starting to look alive again.

a recap. after mass yesterday, my dad invited me to go to the sale in sm megamall, because he had to buy a few stuff to bring abroad. i reluctantly accepted, knowing that i would probably end up following him around, carrying the stuff that he buys. well, it turned just as expected, but with a little something extra. i walked out of the mall not only with his purchases but also with a new shirt and a new bag for myself. it's been a long time since my dad spent on some luxuries for me, but it was probably because he was forced to do so, after making me deposit my savings from my allowance into my atm account. i could still see that he was apprehensive on buying them, but it only gave me the guilty satisfaction of knowing that i leeched some money off my dad despite his disapproval. i'm such a parasite.

around dinner, my 3rd year classmate dropped by to give the invitations to her debut. my first debut! both exciting and mind-wracking, as i am yet to think of a gift and a message for her (being a rose). still, finally something to liven up the break. the only downside during dinner was my dad started asking about class cards and my grades. i wisely decided to stall and told him that class cards would be released during enrollment. i'm sure that if he knew how my grades fared against my other batchmates (them: a showering of 1.0s; me: nary a drop), a nasty telling-off would ensue. and that's something i could live without, even if just until classes start over.

this morning was mostly uneventful, wasted in front of the pc, bloghopping, hopelessly designing my own blog. around 2 pm, however, i got a pleasant surprise. one of my grade school friends texted, asking if it was okay for him to come over. i gladly accepted. it's been years since we last saw each other, which is weird because his house is about 5 minutes away from mine, and a stone's throw from claret school. we spent the afternoon chatting, catching up, exchanging college stories, and playing a few games on the ps2. he even invited me on an open-dated dinner for his birthday (which i, like the biggest fucking fool, forgot the exact date of), a belated celebration of sorts. he even said that he would invite a few other classmates of ours, for everyone to meet and get reacquainted with each other.

it was only then that i realized that i miss my grade school friends a lot. i haven't heard from most of them in 4 years, much less seen them or hung out with them. i miss the times, the events, the memories, the people. i may not have grown up during elem as much as i did during high school, but it was still a big part of my life, and i don't want to forget it. i also promised myself that i would attend claret's foundation day celebration (whose date i do remember, october 24) to see the school and the teachers again. at the least, another event to break the monotony of everything else.

my life is looking up again.

sem break log: day 5

let me give a recap.

1. learn basic web design and change the layout of this blog
2. read at least 3 novels
3. finish at least 1 rpg during the break
4. visit a mall and watch a movie at least once a week
5. finally learn to drive flawlessly
6. exercise or work out
7. learn to play an instrument
8. buy a gift and think of a song
9. get my hair cut

a lot of what i've done have only led to starts and partly's. i've decided to start a new, functioning rpg on my ps2. my dad recommended an old novel for me to read, which i already started last night. i'm trying some simple exercises at home during my tons of spare time (i hate to admit it, but pe 1 might have come in handy). and (i think) i'm making progress in this site's layout, even if just in small baby steps. not bad for a day's work.

just about the only thing i've fully accomplished is having my hair cut. despite the thousands of styling possibilities available to my overgrown moptop, i took the fallback route and just had it trimmed. long enough for vanity purposes, and short enough for it not to prick my eyes every time i nod my head. just enough to have it sprout back to before by the time classes start again. as i saw precious inches being chopped off in the barbershop, the only thought running through my mind was "so much perfectly good hair, no style to go with it." so here's to my hair. maybe by the time it grows back again, i'll have the courage and resolve to get it cut in a more daring, trendy style. or at least the common sense to use styling gel constructively.

i know i'm being overly dramatic. it happens when someone has nothing better to do.

sem break log: day 7

i didn't make an entry yesterday. i wonder why?

oh yeah, here's why. yesterday was monotonous, that's why. i forgot that when it comes to new (or continued) rpgs, i slip into unbreakable 6-hour trances where neither hunger, fatigue, nor parental sermons can touch me. so unless you wanted to hear about my adventures in disgaea: hour of darkness, listening to every nitpicking detail about my equipment assigning, becoming mesmerized with the repetitious pattern of power levelling, i didn't bother making an entry yesterday. yes, i thought so.

so, is today any different? well, at first glance, it may not have been. i started the day with breakfast, then a 4-hour ps2 marathon. upon feeling slight headaches, i stopped, ate lunch, and turned the pc on. then what? well, as can plainly be seen, i've made some improvements to my blog. i finally figured out the scrollbar and background issues, and made some minor adjustments to the text and tagboard. an afternoon's worth of browsing, view source-ing, and chatting has really paid off. not to mention putting off writing my 18 rose message for the debut. but i've finished that too. now for a yearbook write-up which has been in the waiting list for months.

a moment for vanity. i have a big pimple on my left cheek. and i mean big. usually, i wouldn't mind it, and i'd just wait for it to recede. however, the situation today is different. we have a videotaping on saturday for a presentation for another friend's debut. and the other debut is still on for sunday. and i'm a rose. and there'll probably be *shudder* video coverage. my pimple can't be seen with a person attached to it.

a moment for entertainment. again, i'm caught watching scq. the dubbing and lipsync during the opening number of the 5 season 1 finalists was just pathetic. you'd think after the countless workshops, exposure time, and multiple-digit salaries, those 5 can at least work on making their lipsync skills passable. the new candidates could probably do better. but that's not saying much at the moment. "alam mo ba allergy ako dyan?" in a skit showing pagka-irita towards a dog. i'm really evil.

i'm running out of things to babble about. i'm glad i at least achieved something in the last 2 days. and i'll be going gift-shopping tomorrow. fun fun fun.

does a day of boring plus a day of something equal interesting?

sem break log: day 8

what better way to spend a day than agonizing in a mall?

with clara's debut only 2 days away and me having nothing to show for it except a rose message, i figured today was the right time to go shopping for a gift. one of my friends hounded me for his invitation, which was left with me, and so he agreed to accompany me. i head to our meeting place, in mcdo near the quezon avenue mrt station, 30 minutes late, because i realize 10 minutes after leaving the house that i left my friend's invitation at home. i arrive, we eat lunch, i withdraw my budget for the day, then we headed to galleria.

it took me about 40 minutes of window-shopping and price-checking to realize that i had absolutely no idea what to get the debutante. about the only thing i saw buy-worthy was another ps2 rpg, a steal at P180 for 2 discs, but i couldn't well give it as a birthday gift. it was about this time that we had the bright idea of resting in the foodcourt, an activity which took us nearly an hour. i texted various female classmates, asking for clara's potential interests and gift ideas, while my friend just had his dad make 2 pairs of custom sandals (yes, they make sandals. isn't that convenient?) in the end, i buy the game for myself, then we head to powerbooks megamall for my fallback gift idea, books. i really hope she likes them. but again, i really can't choose books for people other than myself.

why must it be so difficult to buy a gift for a girl? feminist hunters alert, but it's true. if it were for a guy, the only choices i'd have to make are if he likes red or blue better. if he prefers loose or fitted. shoes or sandals. reading or gaming. vain or easygoing. sports or music. okay, maybe not so easy. but at least for a guy, i'd have a better idea of what looks good or is usable or would make a good gift for one. with girls, there's always that risk that clothes don't fit quite as they should. (most guys don't mind if a shirt is like 10 sizes too big, but i do. heh.) some girls might not wear strappy sandals, or too high heels (i'd take any fitting shoe i could get for myself). girls may not like a certain perfume scent, or a purse style, or a jewelry color (well, don't give me perfume, purses, or jewelry, but i wouldn't mind anything else.)

maybe it's not so much that girls are harder to shop for, but that my shopping instincts aren't really that sharp. i only started to enjoy mall-browsing and window-shopping this year, since i finally get money to spend for myself. sure, i can find stuff for myself, but stuff for other people is a different story. lack of thoughtfulness and bankruptcy have prevented me from buying gifts for my family and friends in the last 16 years of my life. gift-shopping is a skill, not a talent. guess i really have to start being more generous and thoughtful towards others, specially when it comes to gift-giving.

don't anyone expect any well-thought-of gifts from me any time soon.

okay. i just couldn't resist ranting about this one right away.

for some unconceivable reason, my tv is currently turned to abs-cbn, watching the scq (star circle quest for the totally oblivious) eliminations special. for those wondering: no, i don't watch these artista search competitions. i didn't watch the first season of any of them. but now, intrigue, curiosity, and maybe even the latent desire of being discovered *wink wink* leads me to tune in to them quite often recently. maybe it's because (i think) i have some talent in acting, and seeing other teens strive for stardom does have a certain appeal to me.

now, don't get me wrong, but the shows aren't half bad. a lot of the contestants do have talent and cute faces, and the tasks are entertaining to watch, criticize, and laugh at. but now in scq, with the oncoming eliminations, the episode focuses on presenting the "questors" based on their home regions. the groups coming from the various provincial regions have nice opening presentations, in traditional outfits and with the theme song translated into their respective languages.

it was the metro manila group's number which annoyed me a lot. they were dressed casual, the guys mostly in sort of street-alleyway-gang-ghetto-punk-hiphop outfits, most were portrayed talking on cellphones, and a lot of them were speaking in american accents, shouting "yo yo yo", "peace", and other expressions. now, why this kind of portrayal of urban teens? sure, i live in quezon city, i own a cellphone, but the other details? not all teenagers in metro manila act like americanized idiots. the elitist, high-class stereotype doesn't really work for me, or anyone else. this just really ticked me off, and i just got away with a sneer and evil comments in my mind.

and a funny thing. they misspelled ashley's name. ashley sueimler rather than sue imler.

and to add insult to injury, she's out.

sem break log: day 12

yes, my blog has been neglected for *counts fingers* 4 days. but for good reason.

take note, this entry will mostly be about my wonderful, excellent, heavenly weekend. also be warned, this might turn out to be a lengthy entry. those two days were days filled with laughs, stories, jokes, fun, and a mix of tragedy as well. whoever said it first was right, you really do miss your high school friends.

start off with saturday. it was the videotaping thingy for karla's debut. sad that i had to get up at 7 am to get ready for it, and i still manage to come late for the 8 am meeting time at mcdo philcoa. we headed off to up diliman for the filming, riding in the cars 2 of our classmates brought. hehe, i can't wait to drive myself. we then had to wait for over another hour before the camera crew came (yes, a camera crew. from abs-cbn! but not the real studio cameras, just a video cam. still cool.) i can't tell the details of the shoot, cause it's supposed to be a surprise for karla, and i don't know if she reads this blog regularly, but i can't take that chance. just let it be said that it was fun.

lunch time was a hassle, to say the least. we ate in chocolate kiss, a café in up bahay ng alumni. this was not after a couple of false starts in our lunch choice and some miscommunications. karla's mom, who was with us during the videotaping, offered to buy lunch for us. of course, us, all trying to be respectful and unabusive, were hesitant about the free lunch. a group of us headed over to the chocolate kiss ahead of the others, then had the 15 seats reserved for our group. but when our group came, the feelings of guilt about the free lunch struck us the hardest, after seeing the menu. we then decided to eat somewhere more affordable, namely kfc in katipunan. again, the other group headed there first. on our way out of the parking lot, we run into karla's mom in her car, and we tell her that we decided on kfc. but then, the other group calls, and says that parking is full in kfc, and that we should just eat in chocolate kiss. we then call karla's mom, tell her to come back, we all enter the café again, and luckily the tables we reserved were still available. the lunch ended up being on karla's mom, but we paid her back with a whole devil's food cake *drools* with the card signed "karla's friends".

by this time, the taping was over, and i was about to head home. but then, 3 of my friends who were supposed to practice a presentation for clara's debut the next day asked to practice at my house, cause they couldn't find any other place and karla (also in the presentation) refused to have the practice at her house. pushover that i am, i agreed. we worked out the transpo system home, but it turned out that the whole group went over to the house! we had our mini-jamming session, with cards and chatting and generally lazing around. one of us even dubbed the group "our new gang" and we even agreed to go to clara's debut together. and just to make the afternoon perfect, some debts were paid off, and one of my friends finally agreed to buy my extra copy of star ocean 3.

it was around 5 pm that some of my friends had to leave. we all stood up to go to the front gate. the people started getting into the cars, and i turned back to return inside. karla suddenly asked "butas ba talaga bintana nito?" turns out the small part of the rear window of one of the cars was smashed, and a discman was taken from inside! the next few minutes were filled with cursing, condolences, and regret. we finally came up with a convenient "white lie" for our friend to tell his parents to avoid getting into trouble for it (although he really had no fault in it). we found out on sunday that it worked. too close.

sunday morning was a blur. my dad rushed us to tarlac, where we learned my lola was hospitalized because she couldn't identify anyone or remember anything. we spent the day driving from tarlac city to victoria back to the city then home. at least during the times we were there, she was able to identify me and some other people. i just pray she's fine now.

we got back to manila around 2 pm, and i spent the afternoon preparing my gift and myself for the debut. around 5, "our new gang" started arriving, and we prepared other gifts, some got dressed, cars were transferred, and we finally left around 6 in my dad's old van, the van without airconditioning. we arrived in the riverbend hotel around 6:30, but it turned out we weren't late at all. in fact, the debut only started around 7:30. but for what it's worth, the debut was a fun one. we met up with more friends, the food was good, and table 7, our table, was just a crack-up. we kept laughing, making noise, and shouting inappropriate comments the whole time, even during some of the more solemn parts, like the 18 candles and 18 gifts. when it came to the 18 roses, as most of the boys in our table were included, we just moved tables from 7 to 2, and proceeded to make noise from there. in the end, it was all fun, as informal as a formal debut can get.

the affair ended around 11 pm, but my dad didn't arrive until 11:30, so "our new gang" just loitered in the lobby, laughing at more jokes and antics, planning for the karla's debut (50's theme, and we do plan to dress accordingly), and more lazing around. we get home, most of them leave, but sab and noah stay at home, waiting for their transpo. we pass another 30 minutes talking, phone-browsing, and guitar-playing, until around 1 am.

i woke up at 12 noon on monday, and spent the whole afternoon catching up on my new rpg, star ocean 3. today was no different, around 7 hours spent in front of the ps2. my dad left today for a business trip to switzerland, then to pass by new orleans and my mom and brother and sister. he'll be gone for over a month, until november 30. i usually look forward to being in charge of the house, but i'll have to move to the condo by november. and i have no idea on how to do it by myself. well, i'll get to it when it's time.

some of us were supposed to go to a comedy bar tonight, which probably would have been great, but as it turns out, cholo can't use the car tonight. there goes our transpo. another time then. oh yeah, i'm only making this entry because the cable's out. i was too lazy to make an entry earlier, but circumstances dictated i do it now. i'm gonna miss the oc and sex and the city. damned destiny cable.

here's to the weekend and to the "new gang". and the remaining sem break. may it be as fun as the last weekend was.

sem break log: day 13

big news: i've found something harder to do than gift-shopping.

and that's song-finding. yes, i'm even more clueless as to what my 18 songs song will be. why couldn't it just be another message, like in clara's debut? that will definitely be much easier, much less mind-wracking. and the evil part about the whole thing is i still will eventually have to go gift-shopping for karla anyway. but that can wait. a deadline has suddenly been posted for the 18 songs, for some reason i can't remember but doesn't matter cause it's almost sure i break the deadline anyway. someone help me.

and the difficulty isn't that i can't sing. i've been known to scream at the top of my lungs and sing shamelessly during videoke sessions. i think i have a pretty good singing voice (yeah right, just bear with me). it's that my repertoire of known songs is just about enough to fill a 1/4 sheet of pad paper. i only started to listen and appreciate music around 2 years ago, it's not that i've been listening to teeny-bopper music or heavy metal-punk-rap, but i just can't recall any song i know of that fits the bill. i might resort to 24/7 listening to jam 88.3 if nothing comes up soon. someone help me.

on a lighter note, our cable's finally back on, after around 20 hours of being offline. but it doesn't bring back the missed episodes of the oc and sex and the city. sure, they have replays, but watching them twice a week just has a certain appeal to it. and how about yu-gi-oh? cartoon network doesn't have replays, unfortunately. forgive my childishness.

give me a song, any song. someone help me.

sem break log: day 15

i'm just gonna make this quick

i have a song. after being pressured by the deadline yesterday, turned out i could come up with one. i also *finally* made a yearbook write-up for one of my classmates. nearly 3 months overdue. now all i have left is to find a quote for my yearbook entry and buy a gift.

for the interested, or can relate, i'm on disc 2 of star ocean 3. that's what 10-hour gaming days can get me in less than a week.

beside the fact that i tried to get to sleep as early as 10, i spent last night watching starstruck, maalaala mo kaya, and magpakailanman. when you see it on tv, miriam santiago's and ethel booba's life stories aren't really that much different. they're actually entertaining to watch, but i probably never stopped laughing the whole 3 hours.

and who knows the new chocolate graham crackers commercial? the one with the coffee-cream-chocolate-crumble-cheesecake-doesn't-matter-what-it's-name-is-cause-it-looks-so-good-anyway dessert *drools*. i saw it at least twice last night. please, someone get me the shirt of the guy on the commercial. it has a giant number 9 on the left shoulder. and i'm loving olive green shirts on me right now. or at least someone make me the dessert.

i now remember i still haven't bought the dunkin donuts classic dozen for P120. after i promised to do so after the math finals. maybe cause i have no money right now. i have to buy it before the promo ends. again, *drools*.

enrollment is next week, and i got a 1.75 in math 17. i'm a bit scared about comm 1/2, but i can't regret anything now. just hoping for the best, or at least a 1.5.

haha, 2 weeks have passed, and less than 2 weeks remain in my sem break. where do my goals stand now? nowhere near accomplished. at least i got at least 3 down.

i'm getting bored with my tabulas. maybe because there's nothing to write about now.

that won't be true for long.

sem break log: day 17

the night when spirits and ghouls become restless and rise...

oh, to hell with that. i'll talk about it later. but now, want to hear something stupid? oh, i bet you do. specially when it's something stupid i've done.

with enrollment just around the corner, my class has been starting to look alive again, with everyone fretting over grades and class cards and schedules and scholarships for this sem. one of my classmates mentioned the mechanics of maintaining the oblation scholarship, which involves the verification of the past sem's gwa. he also said that it might be better if we verified the grades before enrollment. i only read his note yesterday, and so i thought, "before enrollment... i'm sure there's no office on nov. 1, so it might be best if i go there today." i was supposed to head to the college of med office for a true copy of grades, and maybe even get my comm class cards, which i've been dreading/anticipating for quite some time now.

i get ready to head out around 11:30 am, and i texted a upm personnel to ask where to go for the verification of grades. i leave, go to philcoa, ride an fx to manila, turn on my radio and relax. when i finally get to the college of arts and sciences to get my class cards first, the gates were closed. it was just then that the feeling of dread and regret started to crawl over me. i took out my phone, and saw the 1 new message. from ms. cherry alba, it read, "i'm sori my dear, pero closed po ang govt offices on sat and sun." the message arrived around 20 minutes after i left the house, so if i had read it, i could have gotten down earlier and just went straight home. smart, stupid me.

well, trying to make the best of things, i just walked over to robinson's place and tried to storehop and windowshop, but without the money or the mood, i just walked right out the pedro gil exit. i passed through the college of med in the offchance that their offices or the pe department would be open, either for the tcg or my class card. turns out, no luck there either. i just headed home with the nagging feeling of 3 hours wasted on nothing.

yeah, i know, i was just dying to return to up manila. *rolls eyes* i don't know why i didn't even think of the possibility that upm offices would be closed on saturday, like every other government agency. maybe cause i go to upd libraries on saturday and they're open. or that some offices in pisay are open even on saturdays and holidays. it just struck me at that moment that i had to get my grades verified at once, before enrollment. and the prospect of getting class cards also incited me to do so. yes, i know. nerd.

oh yeah, there are children in the house again. happy times. one of our old helpers, who is the sister of my yaya, came back with her children. she also worked here for a long time, and i've grown close to her and her children. 3 boys, 5, 3, and 1 year olds. i love the baby, and the others as well. they're really fun to play with, despite the occasional punches and tantrums.

last night, i was in bed as early as 9 pm. i watched boston public then gilmore girls, waiting for 10:30 and the replay of sex and the city i missed last tuesday because of the destiny disaster. around 9:30 pm, just watching and waiting, then the tv goes static. no, it couldn't be. oh, but it was. it was very so. destiny cable chose just the most ideal, the most convenient, the most perfect time of the week to cut off cable once again. and it didn't go back until this morning. maybe it's a conspiracy, not letting me watch sex and the city. of all the dumb luck.

again, i'm left with a night of local air channels. unfortunately, there was no starstruck or any other local show that appeals somewhat to me. even dumb-luckier, the cable had to go out on halloween weekend. meaning, all abs-cbn and gma had on were the old horror movies and horror show bonanzas. even out! had a halloween haunted hospital special. left with no choice, i just ps2'ed until i felt groggy, and slept without a second thought.

unfortunately, halloween has got to be the most ignored holiday for me, if it even is a holiday. the philippines doesn't really have its own halloween tradition, unlike our christmases and lents. halloween just manifests itself in 2 different ways: trick-or-treating for the high-class and the elite, who dress up and extort candy from their subdivision neighbors, or everyone else, who spend the nights watching halloween-oriented shows on local channels. (un)fortunately, i fall under neither category. i'm not privileged at all, and i'm not particularly a fan of the horror genre. yes, even some cheesy pinoy horror flicks can get me to shiver and scream. and so i spend it just like any other night, just avoiding the horror-themed shows. all saint's day this year isn't any different, cause i won't be celebrating it this year either cause my dad is away and we already visited last week.

maybe the only thing i like about halloween is the costumes. i love getting into costumes because of the feeling of being another person, and seeing all my friends in costumes as well. i enjoyed our batch costume party last year immensely (which was ironically, a christmas party) and i hope the imed costume party being planned pushes through. if ever, i'll probably just recycle my costume last year, a cosplay-worthy outfit i built from scratch.

oh well, happy halloween to all those who care.