it's been a little over a week since i returned to manila, bringing along quite a nice souvenir: my whole family. yep, the entire gang has flown in from somewhere in the usa back home to manila. it's just a brief vacation, around 2 months, but it's a time i've learned to cherish for what it's worth. and so far, it's been ho-hum. school and being away at manila has taken a toll on family time, but it's not a big deal, really. what's really been bugging me are the other matters, namely the financial ones.

like i said, less than 2 weeks in, and i think we've spent more on luxury expenses that what me and my dad have spent the last 4 years alone. dinner plans, shopping sprees, gadgetry galore, i'm sure there's been more spent when i wasn't around. of course, it's a bit justified when you come from a place with a living cost dozens of times higher than here, but getting away with all that spending is just plain robbery. specially since i can't get a piece of that action for myself.

living in the us isn't exactly cheap, which means that not much stuff can be bought. now when you come here, everything seems to be dirt cheap compared to foreign prices, and along with that comes the irresistable urge to splurge. it doesn't help that my siblings have become a bit materialistic and extravagant, asking for nearly everything they set their eyes upon. while here i am, still overcome with a nagging sense of guilt when i so much as ask my dad for a sale-priced shirt or layaway pair of jeans. i can't so much as make a sound while watching my brother and sister going around the department store, throwing stuff into baskets as my dad hands out the cash.

case in point: we come home last saturday, after the first of many shopping sprees. my yaya says a package came in, and my dad says with a glimmer in his eyes, "kuya (pertaining to my older brother) open it." he opens it and lo and behold, a brand new nokia 66_ _ (never kept track after the 3310) stares us in the face. and of course, who gets it? the balikbayan son of course, while the all-filipino son continues his struggles with his 4+ year-old phone, with a scratch-happy casing and funky battery life. but then again, who am i to complain? all i can do is harbor seeds of jealousy and hatred in my mind and rant when the opportunity arises.

don't take it the wrong way, i still love my family, it's just that i'm a bit materialistic myself, and not being financially nurtured is taking a toll on my sanity. spending my own saved money isn't quite as gratifying as just milking my dad for it.

oh god, why couldn't i have been made selfish and guilt-resistant like the rest of them?