who can precisely say how many times i've vowed to revive or fix my blog one way or another? just a guess? no one?

rightly so, since even i can't remember. but whatever the number, you might want to add one more.

yes, you heard me right. plans are *yet again* under way. and i'm feeling so much more confident on this one. i've even got my layout and stuff previewed in photoshop, and i'm pretty sure i can make it happen this time.

looking back a little, it's a bit soul-shaking that this is exactly the way i've felt about my previous attempts. excitement and commitment, with a sprinkling of self-doubt here and there. but in my reflection, i've also seen the error of my ways. this time over, i'm not going in over my head with bizarre design ideas and grandiose plans, which all get stuck in the drawing board anyway. i'll be sticking to what i know my mediocre capabilities can handle, then i'll work my way up from there. i don't plan to make this a show-stopping presentation, but simply a learning experience.

normally, i'd be asking for luck by this part of the project. but rather, i'll say this time,

"watch out for me."

actually, i am. or it's more like smiling. or grinning like mad. who can guess why?

obvious naman siguro. i present to everyone, buhay oble v1 (more like v1.4 with all the template issues and adjustments i've gone through). this is the product of nearly a week's work of html guesswork, a morning of chatting with a techie (mukhang malilibre nga kita ah... after mo manlibre sa birthday mo), and probably almost a month's worth of ideas, planning, and playing with these ideas in photoshop.

now, of course it isn't an artistic masterpiece of any sort, but at least it works, and it looks even half-decent. the side bar's a bit empty for now, but i'm on for giving my eyes and fingers a little rest before i get to that. a celebratory siesta of sorts.

this blog is ideally viewed in ie (which isn't such a stickler for proper tags and web grammar), but for mozilla users and ie bashers, it should also display properly in firefox, just without the internal scrolling.

credits to me for the idea, photo edits, and initial template work, kent for being a great sport and friend for staying up *past midnight* to dissect my apparently dysfunctional attempts and for polishing the template i made on his advice, photobucket for hosting my images (a quick registration since tinypic.com wasn't working), tabulas for still remaining my blog host (i can't imagine moving away from this at all), and to everyone who still visits or will visit this blog for making me want to upgrade this site at all.

enjoy!

for the past few weeks, i've kept a tuesday ritual i just could not miss. house md, 8 pm on fox. i've never actually watched the series before the vacation, just heard a few tidbits and praises here and there, but now i think i see what the *hype* is about. maybe it isn't exactly the riveting drama series that would hook most people, but the medical context, the witty dialogue, and the suspense that comes with every new diagnosis is enough to whet my appetite for the next episodes to come. may sound twisted, but it rings true for me.

one thing that captivates me about the title character, aptly named house, is his perceptiveness and thinking-out-of-the-box style. from the most obscure case specs, he pulls out the most outrageous diagnoses, like a tick in a girl's vagus (imed people will get this) or messianic herpes. yes, it can get a bit out there, which a major criticism i've heard on the show, but they put that stuff in there to impress, and impress they do. house doesn't even leave the insight to the patients, he pulls it off on his colleagues too, a sort of psychoanalysis from hell. and what's just amusing is he gets it all the time. i know i'm hardly the kind of person you could call intuitive, so house does serve as a goal to aspire to, of sorts.

when the show really gets into the spin of things, i like to think that some of the terms they use are actually vaguely familiar to me. most of the time, that's just what they are: vague terms spouted by the doctor characters in the heat of the discussion but easily forgotten by the time their next symptom or diagnosis comes along. i wonder, will i ever get to that level as a doctor? sure, it's all scripted and they're just good actors, but seeing it on tv doesn't mean that it doesn't really happen. will i ever be able to diagnose on the slightest whim, or call out half the drugs they know? even if achieving that level of medical know-it-all isn't plausible, i'd like to be a half-decent doctor at the least. if i ever do, i'm still a long way off from getting to that point.

maybe a few chapters of clinically oriented anatomy could help. better get started then.

kung maobsess nga naman. wala pang isang linggo itong bagong layout na ito, nangati na naman ang aking "artistic soul". at nakagawa na ako ng isa pang template. hindi naman sa isang iglap ko lang nabuo ito, pinaglalaruan ko na ung plano nito sa utak ko bago ko pa naisip ang "buhay oble". pero mas pinalad un nang nakita ko ung litrato ko katabi ang oblation at hindi ako makatiis na kalikutin un sa photoshop. pero nung nabuo na un, may oras na namang pwedeng likumin, at nabuhay sa wakas ang "what's in a name". sa tingin nyo?

nagsisinungaling naman ata ako kapag tinawag ko ang sarili ko na malikhain. sa totoo lang, nagiging frustration ko na rin ang creativity ko. hindi madali para sa akin ang magsulat ng mga bigating blog entry o mag-isip ng mga magagandang layout (hindi sa sinasabing magaganda ung mga nagawa ko na, natutuwa lang ako sa kanila). para bang minsan may naiisip akong gawan ng entry, pero ang hirap idaan sa salita dahil hindi ko naiisip ung salitang angkop sa paggamit kong un. tapos pag naiisip ko na ung salita, ang hirap namang ilabas sa utak ko. parang limitado ung mga nalalaman kong mga salita sa bawat pagkakataon.

madalas pa nga, hindi ko na nagugustuhan ung paraan ko ng pagbuo ng mga pangungusap at dahil napapansin ko (at ng maraming tao) na ganun na lang lagi ung istilo ko ng pagsusulat. kapag nagpabasa ka ng gawa ko sa mga taong nakakakilala sa akin, madali nilang nakukuhang ako ung gumawa nun. predictable. walang pagkakaiba, walang panggagalingan ng panibagong interes sa mga gawa ko. alam ko namang maraming taong hamak na mas magaling magsulat kesa sa akin, mga mas magaling magdugtong-dugtong ng mga salita sa iba't-ibang paraan, pero mahirap din silang tularan dahil ito na ung nakasanayan ko, at hindi ganun kadaling magbago.

at ang pinakamasakit pa minsan, kapag pinupuri ako ng mga kaibigan ko at kung sinu-sino pa na magaling magsulat. aaminin ko, may mga iba na akong nagawa na "worthy of praise" (o kaya chismis) pero madalas, nagiging *blah* ung mga naisusulat ko. mahirap tanggapin ung compliments dahil sa kaloob-looban ko, hindi na rin ako masyadong naiimpress sa pagsulat ko. kapag tatanggihan mo naman, false humility din un. kaya ano na?

kaya eto, pagbabago. tagalog. amazing ba? naisip ko, tutal nagbabago na rin ung itsura ng blog ko, tama lang ding mag-iba ung paraan ko ng pagsulat sa blog ko. para lang hindi pare-pareho ung nilalaman ng blog na ito. para kung saan ko naramdamang mas angkop mag-self-expression (sori sa baroque taglish). para hindi naman ako nagpipilit na sa ingles magpakawala ng nilalaman ng isip ko. naisip ko din na dapat mas informal ung dating ng mga sinusulat ko, para mas madali sa akin. baka sakali rin, matutunan ko pang magbago ng istilo ng pagsusulat, ng istilo ng pagpapakamalikhain.

just when i thought i knew enough to fix this layout all by myself. one look by a master and there's one more thing to fix, one more thing to tweak. to think, i forgot to check the site in mozilla. and the page scrolling and sidebar were a bit off. an amateur mistake, i suppose.

to firefox-using web junkies, who knows how to center the tagboard?

html will always be a work-in-progress for me.

today is actually america's next top model cycle 6 marathon day on vh1 for me, and two episodes in, it's looking to be a promising season. but before i shut out all external stimuli and immerse myself in their world of photo shoots, freaky fashion, and diva drama, there's something i have to share.

i think i found what i call my "beauty profile". take a look at this. from antm cycle 5. look like someone i know?


and another picture, but this time, who does she remind you of?


beauty profile. what strikes me as beautiful. the exact combination of features that appeal to my aesthetic tastes. just to let you all know. hehe.

ginawa kong mala-trabaho ngayong hapon ang mag-ayos ng aking tabulas account at bagong template. tumingin ng codes, styles para sa comments page, credits, profile, mga ganung bagay-bagay. tapos naisipan kong tingnan ung friends list ko at maglibot-libot sa malawak na mundo ng tabulas. pero una sa lahat, binura ko muna sa friends list ko ung ibang imed people na tab dati pero nagsilipatan na ng blog. sayang kasi limited slots for friends eh (para namang andami kong tabulas friends). tapos dun na nagsimula.

click. patay na blog. alt+f4.
click. lumipat na daw. alt+f4.
click. last entry january 2005. alt+f4.
click. alt+f4. click. alt+f4.

at sunud-sunod na. parang mga bulang naglaho sa hangin. mga kandila sa bertdey keyk na hinipan. mga langaw na naisprayhan ng baygon. mga... pasama na ng pasama ang mga pagkumpara ko. basta. nagsiwalaan. dapat siguro hindi ako nagugulat masyado kasi maski ako muntikan nang iwanan ang blog kong mabulok sa kawalan, pero iba naman un eh. binabalak ko namang ayusin, at sa awa ng diyos, natuloy nga. pero ang mga nangyari dito, may mga nagsawa, may mga nakaligtaang magsulat, may mga nang-iwan lang talaga.

natural naman sigurong lumipas ang panahon ng blog ng isang tao dahil hindi lang naman ito ang pinag-iikutan ng buhay nila. nakakalungkot lang isipin na lagpas isang taon lang ang nakalipas mula nung click lang ako ng click, nakikiraan at nakikibasa ng kanilang mga buhay-buhay at isip-isip, at minsan sila rin ang nakikiraan at nakikibasa sa akin. hindi ko naman sila kilala talaga, pero parang nakasanayan ko lang na pinupuntahan ung mga blog nila at nagbabasa ng kung anu-ano. mabuti lang na ung mga taong medyo nakilala ko nga dito ay nagsusulat pa rin. at malay ba natin, may mga makilala akong iba pa sa aking panibagong pagkabuhay.

basta, may tao man o wala, may nagbabasa man o wala, andito ako. nagsusulat. nabubuhay.

funny thing. my sister knows the word "chillax". actually, it's not so much a word as it is a conjunction of the two words "chill" and "relax". when i commented on it, she claimed that they were the ones who originally coined the word.

but the thing is, we use that term in imed too. well, i don't really use it much, as i prefer the plain "chill", but i am familiar with it. it's one of those weird signature phrases one of our classmates uses in conversations and stuff. now, i'll never learn where he got it from, be it from his own creative processes, from some tv or radio show, or even from some gang of pubescent girls in a public high school.

it's just fun to think that, regardless of where it came from or who used it first, there is something that trivial and insignificant that pre-med scholars from a tiny asian archipelago and middle school students from a hurricane-stricken first world superpower can have in common.

**edit: 126th entry ko pala ito. since i wasn't able to celebrate my blogtennial, this will have to do. happy 126 to my blog!**

it's no longer a rush watching american idol without chris daughtry throwing out power ballads and hard-core rock anthems like nobody's business.

stupid americans.

how can some people burn countless hours in front of the computer without running out of stuff to see or do? less than an hour in, i've already checked my mail, looked up other people's blogs (both of which are going slow, for some reason), and surfed my frequent site haunts. it must be some kind of talent, because i've already had nothing else to do but download songs by blue (boy band attack!)

looking back, i may not have weathered this summer break without working after all.

got anything interesting?

beware, for coming up next is of course, my review of the da vinci code movie, as is requisite for all people who have half the mind to do so. with all the issues and controversies generated by the novel, and subsequently by the movie, any self-respecting christian is bound to have some opinion of the whole affair. now, i don't profess to be anything near the level of the thumb-wielding critic duo extraordinaire, and as such let it be known that anything i express in this entry shouldn't be taken as fact; but rather, be taken with a grain of salt.

i may not be an expert in this field, but i do know what movies i like and don't like. and as far as the da vinci code as a movie is concerned, it's definitely a don't like. much. again, simply taking it as a movie on its own, the plot was spread too thinly. for such a deep and twisted story line, a lot of the major plot elements were ignored or downplayed, leaving the entire experience feeling a bit holey. for instance, the motives of the opus dei for wanting to find the grail were unclear. for that matter, the opus dei factor in the story was so weak and unnecessary, that aside from explicitly connecting silas' self-mutilating tendencies to a specific doctrine, they could have been omitted altogether. the flow of the events in the movie also weren't directed well. you'd be given a 30-minute explanation on the priory, a short suspense clip, then even more discussion. boring. you start looking for the climax of the movie, then you realize that it's already come and gone. there also comes a point during the film that you would get the feeling that it's almost at an end, but then it just falls into a great anticlimactic prattle about the blood line. it was as if the director, producers, and scriptwriters wanted to impress upon the audience the *truths* of the holy grail, but at the expense of neglecting to develop the practical aspects of the movie.

but then, when you do connect this film to the novel which actually started the whole thing, it gets even worse. for one thing, **spoiler alert** it cuts out a big chunk of the story involving the second cryptex, as well as other parts, both major and minor. but even worse, it fails to capture the feeling of page-turning suspense in the written work. yes, this could be attributed to the fact that i have read the book before watching the movie, thus knowing the general trend of the story and feeling no need to get to the next plot point, but it also falls on the lackluster pacing of the events in the film. in these and many more ways, it just fails to do the novel justice.

and in the end, that is what is most disappointing of all. i think that the people who go to watch the movie can be divided into two crude classifications: those who have read the book and expect the movie to exude the same thrill as reading, and those who have simply been aroused by all the excitement and curious to find out what all the fuss is about. and to both parties, the movie fails to deliver. the readers don't experience the rush, the curious just witness a mediocre attempt to bring the story to life. it really isn't deserving of all the hype it's created or the controversy it's raised. in fact, if it wasn't for all the hype and controversy, it might not even be as successful as it's doing today.

however, if the movie did do something right, it might be in the way that it actually resolves the entire issue of faith and the integrity of the church, although as cryptically as all the other riddles in the story. i absolutely suck at quoting from movies (that's kiki's job) unless i have a cellphone handy, but the line goes something like this: **spoiler alert** "who knows whether (the heir of jesus) will destroy the faith, or renew it. all that matters is what you believe." a line from langdon to sophie, during the emotional goodbye scene. it actually strikes me more like a disclaimer, albeit inserted at the end of the movie. it really wasn't enough to dispel all the controversy; it might not even be picked up by everyone who watches the movie; but the apparent effort just made me look up and smile. a little treat for all the staunch protesters out there.

as of today, i am officially unemployed.

no more mornings spent in a half-conscious scramble to look presentable, with only morning cartoons to keep me coherent. no more clocking in, clocking out, and all the endless hours in between. no more grill blisters, freezer burns, and busted heads. no more too-short breaks, miscalculated checks, and empty chit-chat with co-workers. no more. finally.

but really, working in a mcdonald's wasn't all that bad. there is the part of working which includes getting compensation, which turned out becoming quite stressful because the pay system wasn't that organized, but at least you still get paid. you find out what actually goes into your fast food, and if you're lucky (as i was), it might be enough to deter you from even looking at a burger ever again. the new skills never hurt, though you might be hard-pressed to find another line of work where sandwich assembly or grill operations would come in handy.

there also comes the rude awakening you get when you're suddenly thrust into the real world, and left there either to fall down and fail, or to fend for yourself. in the real world, nothing you know really comes in handy. you're mixed in with all sorts of people, not the usual intellectual bunch or whatever crowd you're used to, but you have to learn to roll with it. if you're lucky, you'd have a friend or two along, but mostly no one will be there to look out for you. there's no place for emotional outbursts or momentary weakness; all that matters is getting the job done. and if, despite all these obstacles, you can get the job well done, all the better for you.

i was fortunate enough to find my niche in the fast food world; i took to the grill like a fish takes to water, or a bird takes to the sky. sure, i found something i was good at, something that made me valuable to the team even if i wasn't exactly a perfect fit in their kitchen culture. but despite all the compliments, the flattery, the working-without-you-yesterday-was-hell comments, the whole experience still felt a bit empty to me. not that i didn't feel gratified by all the praise and recognition from my fellow crew members, but what about the acknowledgment from the most important critic: myself? myke recently made an entry about success and the frustration it causes when we fall short of our target. but what about the frustration of being successful, being good at something, but knowing that there's something better you could've aspired to, something else you were meant to do? a lot of people live their lives until they experience some form of achievement, and finding that point, will simply rest on their laurels. time passes in that euphoria of success until they find themselves again, and realize that that success was only superficial, and not the true success they had originally been striving for. but by then, they could never seek this alternate destiny, at the risk of losing what they already enjoy.

i don't know whether this feeling was just an outlet of my boredom, or the embodiment of the knowledge that as a college student, a blue-collar job wasn't exactly the position for me. or maybe, it was because i just thought that i was too good for what i was doing, that i deserved much better for myself. but regardless, the five weeks quickly deteriorated from an adrenaline rush to a daily chore i had to force myself through. and when the end finally came, i couldn't have been more happier. happy of the fact that that part of my life was over for now, and that i would be returning to where i really belonged: on the road to becoming an m.d.

and this is probably the most important part of my entire working experience: the realization that i would never be happy and content with my life if i didn't become a doctor. childhood dreams aside, i really feel that this is my calling, that this is what God intended me to do with my life. i could spend my whole life expertly flipping burgers, perhaps getting a promotion and climbing up the corporate ladder, maybe even reaching the top of the heap. but all that would be hollow, being deprived of the passion and fulfillment i derive from (thinking about) being a physician. forget about earning good money and living comfortably; i'd give up any and all of that to suffer through med school, working my ass off for a cause i believe in, a goal i take pride in.

mcdonald's won't be getting a top-rate grill man, but if the world can score even just a second-class doctor, i'd still be a success.

time sure passes in weird ways, but never in the way we want it to.

while i was working, it couldn't have gone any slower unless it completely ground to a halt. and of course, i was wishing that things would just speed up and i'd find myself at the first day of classes. but now that i'm unemployed and free, so has the summer vacation liberated itself from wherever it was holed up in, and blessed my living days with relaxation and enjoyment. as it should have.

i've finally gotten my hands on an original copy of xenosaga episode ii, allowing me to bypass my faulty pirated dvd at home and access the epilogue, which just means more hours of unadulterated futuristic-existential-rpg fun for me. it struck me that it was as if this was the only thing missing from my summertime to make it feel complete: the ps2 and a good rpg to hang out with. now i can just imagine how it will be once i get home and get access to over half a dozen new games: the perfect syncing of tv, pc, and ps2, for the few remaining days it can last. now that the summer's about to run to an end, i'm standing here wishing it could go on just a little longer. or maybe that i could've spent more of my time doing exactly that.

shallow, yes, but i'm still a teenage boy. i still have my guilty pleasures. and my license to dream.

bad publicity. mudslinging. libel. slander. just a few of the words that have been used to categorize this insulting piece of journalistic trash.

opus dei ‘invades’ pshs

read it. and feel free to agree with me.

before i get off into an emotional tirade as to why this article is completely fallacious, i'll just cut myself off and simply say "this article is completely fallacious." i already did the whole rant-in-defense-of-pisay thing on my e-mail to the pisay yahoogroup, and i'm in no mood to recall it right now. so there.

now, some of you might think that this is really not that big of a deal, at least to yourself, but put yourself in my shoes. if you've actually been in pisay, and have an inkling of what's going on at the school nowadays, you'd see that this is a cause for concern. i've heard about talks of shutting the premier science high school down, and all the bad publicity, beginning with the acid water poisoning incident, isn't helping the pro-pisay cause at all. frankly, i love my alma mater. i would love to have my offspring come here and suffer through it as i have. and any attempts to prevent this, attempts to defame the reputation of pisay and subsequently cause its closing, is going to have to deal with my writer's rage, at the very least.

what's even more irritating is that at the very bottom of things, this entire issue was clearly raised on the context of the oh-so-infamous novel (which i now officially hate). come on, if the holy grail had never been touched on by dan brown, do you think this opus dei controversy would have been any cause for concern at all? hardly. the media would obviously do anything to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon, not caring who or what they target, as long as they get a story out of it. instead of actually rooting for the educational system and supporting pisay for the great intellectual institution that it is, they would rather besmirch it for their own personal gain. twisted priorities, if you ask me.

all i can say is, wake up and smell reality brewing. all this talk of religion and conspiracy is just a hyped-up fad, hardly worthy of the attention. but if not, then keep your theories to yourselves, or if you must, then find some other hallowed institution to bother. lest a horde of school-spirited geniuses run you into the ground.

i'm making this quick, seeing as how my travel-bombed brain isn't quite back up to par yet.

for the two or three people who are wondering about my whereabouts, i suppose you can read the title alright. not that any of you are my honey or anything. it's just a popular phrase, okay? you see what i'm talking about? ischemic brain, right here. oh yeah, ischemia means that an organ isn't receiving an adequate blood supply, which can lead to localized tissue necrosis, which means death. that's what i get for reading moore during my conscious laps in the air, seeing as how carrying that text, along with the crossroads of twilight, back home has unfortunately prevented me from handling any other books for more pleasurable reading. but don't get me wrong, i also reread the first hundred pages of crossroads, which equates only to the prologue. put it on account of my desperate need to pass the time.

and by the way, somewhere over the pacific ocean, i had an epiphany, possibly in part due to the reenergizing pop fix on my mp3. i want to be in a boy band. lead singer, mind you. thinking about it, it's the perfect easy way into the music industry, albeit the fact that boy bands aren't quite the hottest thing nowadays. all you need is some dash of talent (which as lead singer i can attest to), good looks and a hot body (nothing that years of gym and derma sessions can't fix), a little dance genes (check), and the desire to be adored by millions of fans throughout the world. of course, i'd have to deal with the eventual breakup, but at least that gives me the leverage to start my solo career, during which i can showcase my lyrical talents to the fullest. and i'd still have my fans. and that ends my delusional strategy to achieve teeny-bopper stardom.

take it easy on me when i'm fully coherent. jetlag still has its iron grip on my brain. i said the word 'brain' three times in this entry. but then that makes it four. go figure. *yawn*