for reasons even hazy to me, my rhythmics fever still keeps on rising. i haven't spent this much time or given this much priority to any other extracurricular activity save sleep. so naturally, when i found out last tuesday that our first opportunity to present as part of the medrhythmics was coming up this friday, as part of the pgh 99th year celebration street party, i could barely contain my excitement. but just like everything else, there was a catch: there would be a cut, a screening stage, an elimination process. we had to dance the seven eights of hiphop we had previously learned for the members, our peformance on which would determine who dances and who stands silently at the sidelines.

i wasn't particularly pressured at this point, until the time came for our group to give the dance. it was sometime during the sequence that i thought, "a little more practice might have been in order." i floundered at several of the steps, particularly the steps i had to catch up on, but i kept at it the best i can. two repeats after, the second group had their turn, then came deliberation time. i was again pretty much nonchalant the entire time, until the words came out of their mouths.

as expected (but not as wanted), i didn't get picked. i could try fooling myself and say that i'm glad my *talents* weren't required for the friday presentation. first off, at least that's a little bit of unnecessary stress out of the way for now. besides, with the fate intermission numbers coming soon, that's quite sufficient dancing to keep me occupied. another good line would be that i couldn't possibly retain all the choreography required, plenty of which was taught even before i started attending training sessions. best of all, less dance time means more study time (of which i am in desperate need).

but honestly, who doesn't feel the disappointment of rejection, no matter how minor the issue? we try to hide our shame and spite, lest we be taken as jealous and bitter (which we are, to some extent), but the internal emotional turmoil is always there. despite hiding it successfully with the outward smiles, awkward congratulations to the chosen ones, and the "ok lang naman un sa akin, may ibang pagkakataon pa naman" lines, it is always there. and don't even think twice; i'm hardly any different from that.

i admit it, i'm disappointed. i'm bitter and jealous and depressed. i'm sad that i didn't get picked, because i'm sure i could do just as good as the selected ones, given the chance to practice and polish the steps. i really wanted to get picked because this was the first time anyone from our batch of trainees would be performing an actual dance during an actual external event. being picked would have meant that i can actually hold a candle to the *real* dancers in the group, despite my near lack of any prior training. i even went so bold as to think that i would surely be picked, compared to the slim pickings of the applicants that night (of the eight who attended, four were selected) and my distorted perception of everyone's skill level at that time. that just made it hit harder when the announcement was made, my name not included.

i even went to the next practice session with the smallest spark of hope in the back of my mind that if we learn the steps and perform the dance decently, we might be given additional slots in the performance. we all learned the choreo and performed it to a passable level (considering that the non-performers were all taking a backseat that session) but still to no avail. i'm now stuck accepting my fate at home and trying *futilely* to divert my attentions to studying and this blog entry, still to no avail.

but don't get me wrong, i have absolutely nothing against the members who chose the performers or the applicants who will be performing tomorrow. i'm still proud of and humbled by them, because they are the ones i should aspire to reach. i still want to watch the rhythmics segment of the party, knowing that they will still be giving an amazing performance, just as they should be. it'll still sting knowing that i could've been up there with them, but if anything, it'll just get me to work extra hard to get in the next time.