med school sure has brought a lot of changes in me. for starters, it's only been here where i actually begin studying for an exam over a week before, or where i celebrate finished exams by studying for the next one. i've also recently taken to highlighting handouts, sims, and transes and placing post-it bookmarks in my moore (believe me, i was never this passionate or focused with studying before, despite my inherent oc-ness.) i suppose it's just a normal reaction to actually studying medicine; it'd be practically impossible to do good or even survive without upping the studying level quite a bit.

but what's funny about all this, is when i finally did grow up and take my education seriously, is when i also started resorting to *other* means of ensuring my exam outcomes. no, i don't mean cheating, if that's what it sounds like. we've taken to the habit of declaring any uncharacteristic activity or condition we've had before an exam which comes out good as a source of "good luck". for instance, migz, joey, and i have been studying at mocha blends adriatico on the eve before the exam for several exams running, after our first experience there led to more-than-favorable results in our first anatomy exam. i've also been changing my code name for exam results (code names being the most fun i've had related to exams since the advent of exemptions) for each exam based on my recent blog entries, another thing i consider a source of good karma. so far, i've identified my lucky exam jacket (mr. moss green), lucky exam shoes (an old, battered pair of brown cole-haans i *borrowed* from my dad), lucky lab exam scrubs (dark blue with sailing motifs), and some other stuff even i consider too pathetic to even mention.

don't worry though, i haven't quite reached a point of utter insanity that i would forego the actual studying part and just rely on these unproven charms and traditions; they serve a more passive part in the entire pre-exam process. they're just there to provide a little extra bit of confidence and security as we undergo more and more rounds of hell-on-paper, as if actually having them really do have any positive effect at all on the exams' outcomes. with the increasing level of difficulty of everything and the mounting pressure i'm incurring with all the academic and extracurricular stuff i'm taking on, i need all the help i can get.

but then again, there's always the possibility that behind all the stress and panic and unsurity, i'm actually learning something, which could then account for the past few exams. at this point though, with all the info that cycles through my mind on a weekly basis, it's actually more believable that there is an arcane explanation to everything than thinking of the more plausible reason. i can only hope that in the end, i'm really just on the path to becoming a doctor, learning as i should along the way, rather than just stumbling along on a weird combination of dumb luck and supernatural intercession.

at this point, i really hope it's not the habits which determine the final grade. biochem was such a cramfest that we had to skip the blends tradition last thursday. we'll soon find out, i suppose.